The coach sees a health barrier; the parent sees an attack on their own parenting! The “Quit Response.” Instead of a lifestyle change, the child is removed from the environment entirely!
For many parents, a child is a walking billboard for their parenting success. When a coach points out that a child is unhealthy or out of shape, the parent doesn’t hear a critique of the child; they hear: “You have failed as a provider.” It is much easier for the ego to label the coach as “mean,” “biased,” or “unprofessional” than to accept the burden of personal responsibility. Pulling the child from the team/program is the ultimate act of denial. If the child isn’t on the field being compared to peers, the problem “disappears” from the parent’s view.
They may claim the coach is “fat-shaming” or “bullying.” While these are real issues, in this context, they are often used as shields to shut down legitimate health concerns. By “rescuing” the child from the “mean” coach, the parent feels like a protector, which provides an immediate ego boost that masks the long-term damage of ignoring the health issue.
This is the most “unhealthy” part of the behavior. When a child hears their parents talking crap about the coach’s “rude” comments, several things happen: The child learns that they don’t have to take accountability for their fitness because the person holding them accountable is “a jerk.” The child loses respect for the coach, which means they stop listening to all coaching—tactical, technical, and motivational. The child feels “protected” in their unhealthy habits. If Mom and Dad are fighting the coach to keep the status quo, the child assumes the status quo is fine.
Strong words but true: “It is much easier to burn the bridge with a coach than it is to change the menu at home. Trash talking is the smoke screen parents use to hide the fire of their own guilt.”
This is the final “trap” in the cycle of denial. When a parent cannot argue with the facts (that the child is out of shape), they pivot to attacking the tone. By shifting the focus to “how he said it” rather than “what he said,” the parent successfully moves the goalposts. The conversation is no longer about the child’s health; it’s now a trial on the coach’s personality.
“The hardest thing for a parent to realize is that their child’s struggle is not an insult to their parenting, but a call to action. When ego drives the car, the child is often left stranded on the sidelines of their own health.”
What I can tell a parent: It hurts to hear your child is struggling. Allow yourself to feel frustrated, but don’t let that frustration dictate your next move. Ask yourself, “Is this coach trying to be mean, or are they trying to help my child succeed in this sport?” Most coaches speak up because they see a child’s potential being limited by their physical condition. Instead of shutting down or pulling the child from the team/program, ask the coach for objective, performance-based feedback. This moves the conversation away from “looks” and toward “function.”
Ask the coach:
“What specific movements or drills is my child struggling with?”
“Are you concerned about their safety or risk of injury (like knees or ankles)?”
“What physical milestones do they need to hit to play the position they want?”
A veteran coach is a physical expert, but not a medical one. Take the coach’s observations to your doctor. “Hey Doc: The coach noticed my child is struggling with stamina and breathing during practice. Can we look at their growth chart and cardiovascular health?” A doctor can tell you if the weight is a clinical concern or just a temporary phase of development. This removes the “opinion” element and replaces it with medical facts.
The Performance Pressure: Why Parents Mistake Motivation for Malice
Children naturally stop when they feel tired or bored. A coach’s job is to teach them that their “limit” is actually much higher than they think. In high-stakes games, there is noise and pressure. A coach who simulates that intensity in practice is preparing the child for the reality of the sport. High-level performance requires high-level energy. Often, what a parent perceives as “yelling” is actually a coach trying to transfer their energy to a stagnant player. If the coach is demanding more from the child, it implies the child isn’t already “perfect.” The parent’s ego can’t handle the implication that their child is coasting.
Keep in mind that: If a child is never spoken to firmly, they never learn to self-correct under pressure. When they eventually face an opponent who doesn’t care about their feelings, they crumble because they’ve never built the emotional “callouses” needed for competition. Good coaches will stop trying to push “bubble-wrapped” kids. They will focus their energy on the kids whose parents allow them to be coached hard.
Never approach a coach immediately after a high-tension practice or game. Your adrenaline is high, their energy is spent, and the ego is on high alert. Wait 24 hours. This allows you to ask yourself: “Am I mad because my child was mistreated, or am I mad because my child was challenged?”
Do The Child’s Perspective Check: Before you defend your child, ask them how they feel. You might be surprised. Parent: “I didn’t like how Coach Smith was yelling at you today.” Child: “He wasn’t yelling, Mom. He was just trying to get us to wake up. It actually helped me focus.” If the child isn’t offended, the parent shouldn’t be either. Intervening when the child is fine actually undermines the child’s burgeoning resilience.
“A parent’s job is to protect their child from harm. A coach’s job is to prepare them for hardship. When parents confuse ‘hardship’ with ‘harm,’ they stunt the very growth they are paying the coach to provide. If you want a babysitter, hire one. If you want a coach, let them coach.”
The modern youth sports sideline has become a battlefield where two philosophies clash: Parental Protection and Athletic Accountability. When a coach speaks the truth—whether it’s about a child’s dangerous physical condition or their lack of effort—they are offering the parent a map to the child’s “full potential. “Unfortunately, many parents choose to burn the map rather than take the journey.
When a parent pulls a child from a team because the truth was “too blunt” or the tone was “too loud,” no one wins. The Coach loses a student they were trying to help. The Parent remains in a state of denial, delaying the inevitable health or character consequences. The Child learns the most dangerous lesson of all: If the truth is uncomfortable, you can simply walk away from it.
Being a supportive parent doesn’t mean shielding your child from the reality of their performance. It means helping them process that reality. If the coach is right about their health: Support them by changing the family’s habits, not by attacking the messenger. If the coach is loud about their potential: Support them by teaching them to listen to the instruction rather than the volume.
The most “loving” thing a parent can do is allow their child to be coached. Greatness—whether in health or in sport—is never achieved in a “safe space” of constant praise. It is forged in the heat of correction, the sweat of exertion, and the occasional blunt honesty of a mentor who cares enough to tell you that you aren’t there yet.
As parents, we have to decide: Do we want our children to be comfortable today, or capable tomorrow?
Rick Zucchi
UEFA Goalkeeper A License Holder since 1994
FIFA Diploma Football Medicine
